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Sexy is as Sexy Does

By Dr. Sharon McQuillan
Posted On Apr 16, 2017
Sexy is as Sexy Does


Making love to someone who can satisfy you physically, soulfully, and completely is very different from just having sex. It is a symphony that builds to a resounding crescendo between two adults in a bonding relationship. So why are so many lovers out there seemingly unsatisfied?


Whether you are embarking on a new relationship or maintaining an old one, making love is as important as eating. Then why do we allow ourselves to let that sensual and satisfying performance slide into a humdrum world of, “Oh sure, tonight we should schedule some sex; it has been a while”? What happened to the fluttering anticipation before the act, the spark that ignites a thousand trumpets to blare? The music that plays long after the band packs up and goes home? Can it be that pesky excuse called life: stress, work, laundry, bills, obligations, and a battery of other mundane mood-killers that result in a very boring sex life?



Boredom is a cancer eating into the very soul of a relationship. And boring sex manifesting into the same unimaginative positions can lead to wandering eyes and clandestine affairs. In a 2012 Durex sex survey of 1,000 American adults, 50 percent of those polled were dissatisfied with their bedroom escapades, and 37 percent felt that their time between the sheets ended too quickly.


“Desire is like a child,” says Antonia Lopez, a psychologist and sexologist in Miami, Florida. “When desire decreases, we must introduce new experiences, positions, toys, or time in order to recover and not lose it forever.”


Think of it as starting off with a blank canvas. A true artist does not paint the same landscape repeatedly; she uses different brush strokes, different hues of color. “One of the reasons to explore different positions is because we as humans are creative,” says Williams Lucena, a mental health counselor and sex therapist at the Brain and Behavioral Institute of South Florida in Miami, Florida. “Sometimes we feel we cannot express our thoughts. Sex should be open, it’s a creation, it’s artistic, so both parties should allow themselves to be creative with themselves.”



Communication is also key in a relationship—even more so when it comes to sex. But there are those who may not feel comfortable talking about sex, especially when it comes to new and untested positions in sex. Some may be embarrassed to talk about exploring unchartered territory in the bedroom.


One way to ease into that dialogue with your partner is to read different books on the subject, similar to the way you would first discuss the birds and the bees with a child. The oldest and most noble attempt at human sexual behavior is the Kama Sutra, an ancient Hindu text written orignally in Sanskrit by Vatsyayana. “The Kama Sutra gives us an idea of the possibilities we have to experiment with our bodies,” says Lopez. “The starting point, however, is being open to modify it, depending on our body’s flexibility, etc. Pleasure is not necessarily achieved by replicating exactly what we see in a book or magazine, but rather in deciding whether that is suitable for us or not.”


In the vast territory of sex with its different positions, communication needs to be open and positive. “Sexual positions are not something mechanical but rather something achieved through the joint effort of the couple to meet, communicate, and give each other pleasure,” says Lopez. “The variety of positions that can be used are endless and will depend on factors such as curiosity, openness, communication, and desire to discover and explore new possibilities.”


Lucena likens it to a menu choice at a restaurant. “Maybe tonight I want you to be on top of me and tomorrow I want it typical missionary. What this allows is flexibility and mobility, because it is like an exercise for your body. You need to move your hips, your ass, not just your genitalia. When women feel comfortable and free to let their partner know ‘I want you to touch my neck, I want you to kiss me here, I want you to touch my clitoris,’ they start feeling comfortable with themselves. When you start to communicate, you start to become creative.”


That creativity allows for spice and all things nice in a relationship. “Sex is a vast territory that can start at a glance, a word, a gesture, a touch, a whisper, a kiss… which leads to fellatio, anal penetration, intercourse, cunnilingus, or simply just a hug,” says Lopez. But what are the benefits in the most common of positions?



The missionary position is the old standby, but is it the most fulfilling for both parties? Lucena says no and recom – mends, “the woman to be on top because she is more free to move her hips, to touch the clitoris, to watch the expression of her partner,” and insists that men get excited to have the woman on top.


Lopez agrees that when it comes to choosing a good position for women, the trick is to choose one in which she has control of the motion. “An example might be her on top, face to face, or face to back, as this position gives her control of the movement and allows her partner to stimulate her clitoris at the same time, intensifying arousal and orgasm.” In lateral positions, hand postures are more relaxed and are more appropriate to extend the caresses and kisses into verbal communication, according to Lopez.


Another position is “doggie style,” where the man enters the woman from behind. “Here the man feels in control of the woman. He can hold her hips and the woman can touch herself because she has her hands free,” says Lucena. Positions favorable for men are those that permit free movement allowing the man to con – trol the pace and experience increased pleasure through penetration.


“A lot has to do with penis size,” says Lopez. “If your partner has a small penis, it is perhaps a good idea to seek positions such as ‘the ride,’ where the depth of penetration is greater and excitement is more intense. When the penis is big, however, you have to find positions where the penis is further away from the vulva—for example, lying where the woman gives the man her back.”


A position called “69” allows the couple to be stimulated through oral sex. “A woman is learning how the man enjoys it when she puts the penis into her mouth a certain way, and the man is learning how to stimulate the clitoris and female geni – talia with his tongue,” says Lucena.


No matter the style, each position will provide a different experience. When combining the more basic positions, the possibilities can become endless. All it takes is dialogue between two consenting individuals to create that symphony.