Beauty on the outside is attractive to the eyes but for those struggling to do well in life and have a successful career, beauty is all about finding balance. When I graduated with my masters and was at a crossroads trying to figure out what to do next, my health took a backseat. Right when I thought life would be a breeze after a master’s in film and cinematography, I was diagnosed as anorexic and anemic.
After having the privilege of a yearly physical, my doctor had a conversation with me about my condition. My diagnosis was new to me as I had assumed that only teenagers get eating disorders. In my late 20s, when I heard my doctor say those words, I was shocked as my presumption was challenged and I felt my life was fading right before my eyes.
It was fearful to be in that state of mind affecting my mood, perspective, and hopefulness toward life. Not knowing what to do after college, being constantly rejected for the jobs I applied for and three months later, the clock still ticking louder by the day, it was tough. But I decided I can’t be in this headspace anymore, so I took the first job that was available at that time. A job that was not in my field thinking I could get my career and health back in shape but sadly, the anemia only got worse. I would run a fever every Sunday when I took a break from my 80-hour work week. Not being able to keep food down, constant fatigue, insecurity, voices saying I’m too thin, all became dear friends that decided to stay.
My team leaders and managers were great and the job itself helped me pay my bills but deep down I was directionless in life, unfulfilled and overworked. This one question of “how long can I take this?” took space in my head. That was scary. “Could I potentially lose my life?” or “Will I end up being nothing?” were voices that only got louder. I desperately needed to do something about it as my anorexia was only getting worse. So, I started journaling. A common theme that I found myself writing about was how lost I was.
I kept writing. The more I wrote, things became clearer. I was able to identify all the actions, behavior and conversations that were draining me. Then I started saying no to projects or trips I did not want to take. I fought with the voices in my head and demanded a re-program to think positive thoughts. This journey was learning to divorce myself from fear, shame, guilt, and pressure that were caused by societal expectations, specific patterns to success and unattainable beauty standards.
As a young Indian girl, I dreamed differently and that meant my lifestyle, career choices and stylistic expressions would not be the same as others around me. Once I accepted that, I embraced my dreams fully and this rewire set me free. Creating space and distancing from things that were a hindrance to my growth re-charged my dull self. The immediate outcome of that mindset change was regaining my desire to eat. I got my appetite back. I gained my courage back. I gained life.
Small changes make big ripples. This was true in identifying things that trigger my weakness and hopelessness. Today, being aware of those triggers and knowing how to navigate them have been key to fully living instead of just existing. I am able to say that I live freely with so much peace and am able to share that freedom with others. I’m happy to say that I’m back to my former self, full of life. My Instagram is proof of how much I have gained a new appreciation for food made with love.
I’m not sure if my struggle with anemia and anorexia is done for life but my doctor saying I am healthy gives me courage to face life with boldness. Being aware of who I am as an individual keeps me ready for any curve balls or risks that might come my way. Everyone should give themselves this gift of the courage to find their identity. It will change your life. It will put you one step closer to your dreams.
By: Sharon Angel, Author and Podcast host of “The Courage to Identify Who You Are” sharonangel.com
